Certifiable [Part 1]
Certifiable [Part 1]
An Absurd, Ongoing Adventure into Obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate / 22.07.24
‘Gender’. Noun. The state of being male or female in relation to the social and cultural roles that are considered appropriate for men and women.
‘Recognition’. Noun. The act of recognizing someone or identifying something when you see it.
‘Certificate’. Noun. an official document that you receive when you have completed a course of study or training. The qualification that you receive is sometimes also called a certificate.
‘Noun’. Noun. A word such as ' car', ' love', or ' Anne' which is used to refer to a person or thing.
I’ve never been much of a winner. At school, as hard as I’d try in sports or academia, it was never enough to ever quality for a trophy, a medal – or even a lousy little paper certificate that a teacher had printed off from their home printer. I was consistently, disappointingly - average.
They say things are different today – that ‘every child gets a trophy’. But if that’s true, then why don’t you see more trophy shops on the high-street? I haven’t seen one in years, have you? I’ll tell you why you don’t see them – it’s because the high-street is dead, and you helped kill it with your unethical online shopping choices. But that’s an article for another day.
Ok, so I might not be telling the entire truth about the awards I’ve gotten. I did once get a 50 meters swimming certificate when I was in year 4. Also, when I was 10, I won a Pontin’s holiday park talent contest doing standup comedy of other, dead comdian’s jokes. Despite my undeniable talent and respect among my peers that I’ve gained in the field of comedy since, it remains to this day my only competition win. The point I’m trying to make here is, I covet awards, accolades and accreditations. Validation from others is what I’m all about, and I’d step on my own grandmother’s face to get it.
Which makes it all the stranger that I’ve never once felt anything even remotely close to a desire to get a ‘Gender Recognition Certificate’.
If you don’t know what a Gender Recognition Certificate is, here’s how the GOV.UK website describes it:
Apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate if you want your affirmed gender (sometimes called an ‘acquired gender’) to be legally recognised in the UK.
I guess, to a lot of trans people that would sound appealing. Legal recognition? Who wouldn’t want that? Especially at a time when it feels like more and more of our hard-won rights are being eroded away – legal recognition is an important thing to have – legally, like. Sure, it’s one thing to call yourself a chick, but if the Government agrees then Dad can shut the hell up.
The main rationale for a lot of us to get a GRC, is to ‘safeguard’ us against any future loss of rights. The idea is, that if you’re an accredited transsexual, then you’re closer to being ‘real’ than someone who isn’t in possession of the forms. Very few of us actually believe that (I hope), but it’s a small fiction we tolerate in order to help us feel safer in public spaces. “Oh, you think you can bully be out of these ladies’ toilets, do you? Well (opens briefcase and places on spectacles) take a read of this... I think you’ll find that if you draw your attention to Section 2, Sub-paragraph 3 - I am legally entitled to shit here – as signed by a judge himself... checkmate, bigot.”
I can understand why this would make a trans person feel more comfortable, but it never really sat well with me. To my mind, I don’t need validation from some government official I’ve never met to say what I am or am not. My sense of self is informed by my experiences – and by how I navigate society. Basically, I slay / serve fish / pop my pussy on the regular – and have been doing so for the last 12 years. No one who knows me refers to me as a ‘man’. I’m not treated like one by strangers, and my GP surgery keeps sending me invitations to book appointments for cervical smear examinations, even though I keep telling them that it’s going to be a nightmare trying to figure out where to put it. THAT is my Gender Recognition Certificate.
If you really think about it, the need for a GRC, at the behest of the government, is gaslighty and twisted. Afterall, they’re simultaneously saying that we need one, while also taking away vital elements of its practical, real-world social usefulness. I see what you’re up to, Government. It’s always something with you!
But if I’m honest, the main reason I never got one is because I’m lazy. Well, maybe ‘lazy’ is a bit unfair on myself. Any trans person in the UK whose experienced the NHS ‘transgender healthcare pathway’ knows full well how much of a bureaucratic nightmare it can be. SO, for me anyway, a GRC always felt like a coat of paint that my transition didn’t really need…
THAT WAS UNTIL TODAY.
Now that I’ve turned 34, I’ve made the decision to apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate. ‘Why?!’ I hear you ask (sort of aggressively, actually. Please calm down). Well, I can tell you with complete sincerity that the reason I’m going to try and get one isn’t for any sort of ‘added protections’. I think it’s fair to say that at this point, what with trans rights being as they are in this bizarrely transphobic country, a GRC would do little to put any trans person’s mind at ease. New laws being passed on ‘Single Sex Spaces’ outline pretty clearly the uselessness of a GRC to help trans people out, thank you very much Wes Streeting - you goblin faced little fruit.
The reason I’m applying for one, is purely as an experiment for this blog. I’m doing it for c-o-n-t-e-n-t. For a bit. A goof. A flipping laugh. Besides, I’m curious to see how easy / difficult the process will. I know that there are going to be a lot of people out there who do want one, and wouldn’t have any clue about how to go about it – so at the very least, maybe this could be educational and entertaining for someone out there.
It's not like I actually care about any of the perks being offered from a GRC… :
With a Gender Recognition Certificate, you can:
· update your birth or adoption certificate, if it was registered in the UK
Well, my passport already has ‘female’ on it, so I’m not sure why I’d need my birth certificate for anything. A certificate of birth, if you think about, is almost as absurd as a ‘certificate of gender’. Am I not here, standing before you – a born individual? I’d bet good money that the poor woman who had to push my chubby ass out of her front door knows full well that I’ve been born.
· get married or form a civil partnership in your affirmed gender
My partner knows who I am, and so do his family, and my family, and our friends, and the man in the shop who I nuy vapes from sometimes who always calls me ‘Madam’ even though I’m only 34. And guess what, a ‘gender marker’ on a piece of paper isn’t going to do diddly squat to change that.
· have your affirmed gender on your death certificate when you die
A certificate of…death? That’s almost as absurd as a certificate of birth. Look, I don’t care what happens to me after I’m dead. The whole point of a ‘gender transition’ (for lack of a better term) is about living you LIFE in an authentic, autonomous way. If you want to call me a man after I’m done with all that FREE LIVING because I didn’t fill out a form properly, then go right ahead. While you’re at it, feel free to chuck my corpse onto a burning rubbish heap in the street, because we all know that’s where things are going anyway. Just be aware that if you do slag me off a little too much after I’m dead, I will haunt you. I will chuck all your knives and forks about the kitchen and push you off the toilet when you’re trying to take a dump, big bad poltergeist style.
But just because I, personally, don’t give a toss about any of these things – I do understand that they might be important to you. SO, with that in mind, why not follow my journey on this absurd, ongoing adventure into obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate for some reason... We’ll experience it together - the highs, the lows, and the Positively Bureaucratically Orwellian nature of the transgender healthcare system (one for my Radio 4 / Guardianista fans).
HERE’S WHERE I AM SO FAR:
Well, right off the bat I’ve already run into a couple of little problems. First off, my piece of crap printer isn’t working properly, and you have to have the form printed, filled out and signed by an honorary. Even at this earliest of early stages, I can see why someone would be put off of doing this. In fact, my printer is giving me so many issues, I’m starting to wonder if HP (and by extension the utterly abysmal HP ‘Smart’ app) are in cahoots with Wes Streeting’s Big-Transphobia Lobby to sabotage us from the starting lines.
Not to mention the fee. Yes, there is a monetary fee to apply for a GRC. It’s £5. Yes, I’m aware that £5 isn’t a whole lot of money, but in a way I think that might actually be worse? I mean, is that all our genders are worth? It reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Bart sells his soul to Millhouse for $5… maybe I’ll do that if I manage to get one. Jen Ives’ Gender Recognition Certificate has gotta be worth something to somebody… I’m sure I could double my money here, at least! Heck, maybe I’ll pop it on eBay?
So, that’s where I am right now. I’m sitting here, on my bed, trying to get my printer to stop printing huge gaps (even though I know the black and colour ink are both full) I might, annoyingly, have to resort to going to the local library to print it off, which God knows nobody should have to do. Not in 2024.
In all truthfulness, I’m already feeling slightly anxious about it, because according to the GOV.UK website:
“The panel will usually look at your application within 22 weeks of applying. They may ask you for more information before they can make a decision.”
22 WEEKS? I can’t holder reader retention for TWENTY TWO WEEKS. If this series is going to be a success, I’m going to need to pull some strings… make some phone calls… beg, borrow & steal… I’m going to have to think outside of the box when it comes to this whole ‘gender recognition’ thing.
I’m going to have to play it dirty...
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- Jen
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