Trans Woman in Comedy
Tough year, honestly…
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I feel like this probably won’t be my very last blog entry of the year just yet, but we’re certainly getting there. I’ll give myself the gap between now and then to properly organise my thoughts about the year that’s just been, and put something out of New Years Eve - that being said, here are some things I’ve been thinking about over the Christmas period.
I’ve been on Substack a few years now, and at the start of last year I decided that I was going to put a bit more effort into it - to try and post as regularly as I can - and attempt, where possible, to be as honest as I can be. And I did that. And I’ve enjoyed it. I’m by no means one of the most read writers on here, but I have managed in that time to build up a pretty cool audience of dedicated readers, as well as a few paid subscribers too - which I never expected - and you know what, it really helps. Not so much because it’s ‘a lot of money’ or anything, it’s just a nice feeling sometimes to think what you’re doing might be appreciated. Like a lot of creatives, I’m sensitive and I struggle a lot with feelings of insecurity. So, if you are one of my few hundred subscribers - paid or not - thank you. It helps me to know that there are people out there who like what I have to say, and resonate with my point of view.
For the most part though, this year has been difficult, honestly. From a creative perspective, I’ve had many bleak moments where I’ve contemplated throwing in the towel on comedy. Work has been extremely difficult to come by in the comedy/writing scene (not just for myself) but I think 2024 might be the year I’ve done the least since I started. Even stand up has felt like a snake eating it’s own tail. I won’t dwell on it too much, because as I say - it’s not just me experiencing it - but my inability to catch any sort of wave has been incredibly dispiriting to say the least, and I feel as if you can only take so many knocks before you start to feel foolish (and I don’t mean ‘foolish’ in a funny clown way - I mean like - why am I still putting myself through this?’).
I have a lot of thoughts about what it means to be a trans woman in comedy - the inherent contradictions that come along with self deprecation and ‘not taking yourself too seriously’ at a time when ‘being taken seriously’ feels more important than ever. I have a lot of thoughts about what ‘representation’ really is, and if it includes us infantilising ourselves for cis-audiences, and I have a lot of thoughts about the sheer lack of space the entertainment industry has for trans women, and how an undeniable success for one trans person can pit those left behind against one another. I have a lot of thoughts about all this stuff, and at the moment a lot of those thoughts are hypocritical, contradictory and possibly rooted in jealousy, frustration and anger - so I’ll try to ruminate on them a bit more for now and try to make sense of them as we enter 2025.
One of the things I’ve been finding most difficult lately, is how to reconcile my naturally silly, quite light hearted personality/persona - with the actual despair I’ve been feeling for most of 2024. It’s not been a very exciting year to be trans - and I’ve often felt quite alienated from family and friends who, although no-doubt mean well, simply haven’t been able to understand the existential threat most trans people have been feeling. I’ve truly come to realise just how sheltered from it most of cis-society is. Outside of any overt hatred (see: The Telegraph/GB News/Wes Streeting) the media has done a good job of maintaining the illusion of progress for trans people, even if it is on the most surface level imaginable. Is it any real surprise that your aunt can’t understand why you feel like you want to cry all the time because you’re terrified you might lose access to your HRT medication, when she saw that nice trans girl on First Dates who didn’t even look trans!
I’m finding it difficult to talk to people about this stuff, and that worries me - because I know it’s important to tell the ones you love how you feel. But isn’t talking about how you feel supposed to make you feel better? These days, when I verbalise my actual fears, it feels more like I’m speaking them into existence.
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