TOP 5 WAYS TO RUIN CHRISTMAS FOR YOUR NORMIE FAMILY

(2022)

Christmas can be difficult when you’re a liberal minded, sensitive soul, but your family are a bunch of normie, troglodyte simpletons. You may very well have to spend 2, or even 3 days with them. It can be hell. Here are 5 of my top tips for making the season more bearable for you. 

1. Remind everyone that David Attenborough will die soon. 

David Attenborough is the much beloved narrator of many nature documentaries. Many people can’t imagine a BBC without him. Unfortunately for them, he’s 96 years old, so they’re going to have to start imagining it. 

Look, I’ve got nothing against the guy - he’s got a distinctive voice and he seems to know a lot about monkeys or whatever. But I just don’t trust anyone who has a monopoly over an entire profession. Let someone else talk about monkeys for a bit, geez. It’s not like he invented monkeys, is it? 

2. The Snowman? What about the Snow WOMAN?

People can’t get enough of this maudlin, crusty little animation - where a pervy snowman abducts a small boy and takes him to a ‘magical wonderland’ in the middle of the night. It’s 26 minutes of problematic scribbles, accompanied by a soundtrack so dull it makes you wish for the nuclear apocalypse from ‘When The Wind Blows’. 

A few years ago they put out a sequel, where they skipped the concept of a ‘Snow Woman’ completely and went straight to a ‘Snow Dog’. Some feminist you are, Raymond Briggs. 

3. Insist on a Harry Potter ban

Now that JK Rowling is an unhinged, transphobic weirdo - it’s only fair that you implement a complete ban on anything associated with her this Christmas. For instance, I will not allow my dad or sister to put the Harry Potter movies on TV, and have gone so far as to put a protective lock on my dad’s Virgin TV box. 

If, somehow, something JK Rowling related manages to make its way through - be it as an ill advised present, or even a piece of casual passing conversation at the dinner table - show your family how serious you are about it by tearing down the tree and kicking over the decorative nutcrackers. 

4. Keep saying ‘Happy Inclusive Holidays’

Apparently, you can’t say ‘Merry Christmas’ anymore. That’s just as well, because I never have. On Christmas, I always make a point to never, ever say it. In fact, I only ever use secular greetings like ‘hi’, ‘hiya’, ‘hello’ or ‘Happy Inclusivity Winter Festival’ etc. 

Whenever my family is out of the room, I remove the angel from the tree and throw it into the oven. Yes, it gives the roast a strange sort of plastic taste, but that’s the future of food anyway. 

5. Start an argument about why Mother! Is a Christmas movie 

A lot of people like to debate about whether ‘Die Hard’ is or isn’t a Christmas film, which is a ridiculous waste of time (it isn’t, for the record. It’s just shit). Every year, I insist that we all sit around the TV as a family and watch the Darren Arrenofsky film ‘Mother!’ - which I am convinced is a Christmas film. 

My family disagree, and keep saying ‘No Jen, please - we don’t want to watch it anymore. It’s gross when they kill and eat that baby at the end, please’ but no, I INSIST. We all have our traditions, and they must respect mine. At least until they come around to my theory.