The Dolls Guide To: Riding The London Underground
The Dolls Almanac /// Issue 01 /// 18.08.23
Introduction
Hey Doll.
Welcome to ‘The Dolls Almanac’ - a guide to life for new dolls, vintage dolls & long forgotten dolls relegated to a sticky crate under a bootsale table off the side of a motorway. The only dolls not welcome here are those beyond restoration, like Blaire White or Debbie Hayton.
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The Dolls Guide To: Riding The London Underground
Hey Doll.
Although it’s great staying indoors, surfing the internet forums for DIY HRT substitutes & waiting for the price of pink gaming chairs to go down - sometimes even The Dolls™ have to leave the house. As much as we’d like to not believe it, we do in fact have to eat, and God knows testosterone blockers aren’t being considered for Deliveroo anytime soon (fascists). Sometimes, you have to pull yourself up by your heart-shaped choker and face the world. And sometimes, occasionally - this involves getting on the underground.
The underground is hot, and Dolls melt - so first of all, it’s important to stay hydrated. The best way to do this is with a liquid called w-a-t-e-r. I know, I know - it doesn’t taste as good as Pepsi Max (the official drink of the queers) but did you know that researchers found Oestradiol in the water of 80% of the British sites tested? That’s free estrogen. Who says socialism doesn’t work?
The London Underground is a terrible place for a Doll because it dramatically limits where you can hide. If you’re down there at the wrong time of day, you could be squashed right up against a complete stranger - their face right up against yours - practically kissing you. All that time you’ve spent in the lab, trying to get as pretty and passable as possible to the passing stranger on the street, is going to be under the maximum level of scrutiny when you’re this close to a person. See, the British cisgender public are clocking-detectives. They live to investigate, interrogate and uncover Dolls. It’s not always because they’re bad people (although they almost all are) but often because they have a biologically ingrained instinct to feel smug and superior. If you find yourself in this perilous position, the best thing you can do is get as close to the train doors as possible and position yourself right up against the corner between the door and wall. Press your entire body into it, face-first like a wedge of Blu Tack, making yourself as small and unnoticeable as humanly possible. Remember: Cis people are more comfortable seeing a rat on the train than they are a Doll, so try not to alarm them.
If you manage to avoid the rush hour, and seats are available, it’s understandable that you’ll want to sit down. Choosing to stand on an underpopulated train carriage can look standoffish and psychotic, so taking a seat when one is available can at times actually help you to pass in normal society. Also, The Dolls™ are known to have weak, girlish legs which can only support the weight of their often massive tits for about an hour at a time.
The problem with the underground though, is that it’s seating arrangement is intentionally, and systematically Dollphobic™. Forcing people to sit in a row, facing one another, is just another example of The Dolls™ not being considered in the public infrastructure. Cis people ought to be annoyed by this seating arrangement, also. If you’re reading this & you’re cis* do you really want to look at your fellow commuters on public transportation? Do you really want the government ramming social interaction down your free-thinking throats? No, you don’t. So - help us to re-normalise the forward facing seating structures our grandparents died fighting to protect. God Save The Queen!
Something worth remembering about the underground is, there is always a creep on it. Even if you’re in an empty carriage, you are always as little as 10 feet away from a pervert. Pervy men are a fixture of the underground, and like the rats - there is nothing to be done. In fact, they’re so ingrained in the history of public transport that TFL have an upcoming walkway photo campaign celebrating “100 Years of Pervy Creepers on the London Underground”.
You will, at some point, find yourself sitting - face to face, with a creepy old bastard. You’ll recognise him by his stare. It’ll start as a smile, and then develop into something more discomforting. It will be prolonged, and searching. His eyes will suggest interest, intrigue and the absolute deluded certainty that you are “gagging for it”. First of all - DON’T CONSIDER IT. Yes, we all want to feel wanted - but these freaks are the kind you read about. They want you for as long as their fantasy lasts, and then you find yourself in a rolled up mattress under Waterloo Bridge. It’s not worth it, even if they do have a sort of bald, dribbling charm. What has Lana Del Rey done to us? Ah, men.
The best way to deal with these thigh rubbing rapey rascals is to lock eyes with them. Stare back, but not in a way that acknowledges their personhood. You must learn to stare through them. You must adopt the expression of Buster Keaton - you must be the stone faced Doll. If they address you, you must not answer. Do not break their gaze, even if they then try to back out of the stare-off. If they move, you move. Your eyes are now locked for life. Paired. Try to practice your stare in the mirror when you’re at home waiting for your pink gaming chair to be delivered. You don’t want to look gormless - you want to look like a cunt. You want permanent bitch face, with just a hint of unhinged Vietnam veteran. If you can practice not blinking for long periods of time, this will really help sell the illusion. You want to emasculate this man nearly as much as you emasculated yourself. This stare, when perfected, will cause him to question his own gender identity.
Of course, if he gets punchy or stabby - then stop. Staying safe is paramount, not just on the underground, but in life generally. It’s hard out there for a Doll, so always be aware of your surroundings. This article is merely a guide, and not an instruction of best practices.
On that note, also remember not to stand too far over the yellow line, and mind the gap when getting on and off of the train. Although a lot of societal rules don’t apply to The Dolls™ these ones definitely do. Especially as we are waifish and can be easily blown away or sucked underneath train carriages.
I hope you found this guide helpful. Keep being you, Doll. You got this.
*you’re not cis.
The Dolls Almanac is written by UK stand up comedian Jen Ives. You can find more about her here or sign up to her official mailing list here.
Yep. There’s always a creep on it. You.