The Dolls Guide To: Coming Out
The Dolls Almanac /// Issue 03 /// 28.08.23
Introduction
Hey Doll.
Welcome to ‘The Dolls Almanac’ - a guide to life for new dolls, vintage dolls & long forgotten dolls relegated to a sticky crate under a bootsale table off the side of a motorway. The only dolls not welcome here are those beyond restoration, like Blaire White or Debbie Hayton.
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The Dolls Almanac is written by UK stand up comedian Jen Ives. You can find more about her here or sign up to her official mailing list here.
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The Dolls Guide To: Coming Out
Hey Doll.
So, you’re mentally one of The Dolls™ ? That’s ok, That’s accepted. That’s allowed. That’s (clap emoji) Totally (clap emoji) Valid! (seventeen more clap emojis). When you close those big old doe eyes of yours, you see yourself fully formed - beautiful. Feminine. Serving full cunt from dawn to dusk. But guess what, honey - you can’t live in your imagination forever. If you did, you’d be no better than a Disney Adult. No, you need to make it a reality. You need to start living your life, on your terms (with a little bit of leeway to the NHS Gender Clinics terms just to make sure you get your hormones and everything). That’s right - you need to come out.
It’d be nice if we lived in a “post-coming-out world”, but despite what the Older Queers™ say when they’ve had a few too many white wine spritzers, when it comes to revealing The Dollness - family and friends can still have a pretty bad time with it. That isn’t your fault. They’re weak and selfish and thick. They’ll never fully understand you, but like Sisyphus and his boulder - it’s the pursuit in which we must find meaning. Or “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey” if you shop at TK Maxx.
You’re going to want to do it in person, if you can. I’m talking the whole kit and caboodle (whatever that is). You want to gather everyone and have them sit down in the living room, with you sitting on a separate chair facing them to make the announcement as dramatic as possible. Invite your family, your friends (and if possible) some representatives of the local community, like your MP or family vicar or postman/postwoman/postnonbinary. This way, your emotional news can be passed on through the medium of gossip (or post).
Ask your dad if you can turn down the television, and before he throws a vase again - remind him that he can watch Bargain Hunt on catch-up. Clear your throat. Steady your nerves. You might want to have your thoughts written down, so you can stay focused, even while your mum is wailing and throwing herself on the floor, weeping. Just keep reading.
There will be shock. Disbelief. Doubt. Your family will have questions about your sanity. But all of these things are - gaslighting. Yes, you’ve heard that word before - now you finally get to utilize it. Scream it at the top of your lungs. “Stop Gaslighting Me!” Your family will pretend that they never saw The Doll in you, and that this is all a “huge, horrid surprise” but they’re lying. They saw, alright. They saw how you failed to catch that ball. They saw you enjoying dress up with your cousins a little too much. They saw how you cried when you were 10 and your bestest girlfriend Catherine moved away. They saw how unhappy that all boys school made you. Don’t let them win this - have your counterpoints ready on a big whiteboard, and point to them with a big stick until they relent. You’re fighting for your life here. Your new, happier, Dolls Life!
Your friends might have more of a point when they claim ignorance. See, you got so deep into the role you were playing that you actually managed to convince them. People think Daniel Day-Lewis is the greatest method actor of our times, but it’s you. So he spent a couple of years as a cobbler? Big deal. You’ve been undercover so long, you almost lost yourself - like Al Pacino in Cruising (except without the murder and stuff). Just calmly explain to your closest friends that the person they thought they knew was a complete fabrication, devised for the sole purpose of deceiving them - and what they thought was friendship was merely a ruse to help cover up a shameful truth - they’ll understand.
When telling everyone, make sure your intentions are clear. Your family may well ask you if this is a “phase” or if, perhaps, you’re “just gay”. But don’t give them any false hope. Tear the plaster (or band-aid if you’re American) off. Outline your entire plan and transformation, in full, explicit detail. Leave no stone unturned. Educate them on the science - show them charts, suicide statistic rates & videos of surgeries in practise. Best to get it all out in the open now, then you won’t need to explain yourself later. You’re living your truth now, and sometimes the truth is shocking.
But, do make sure to reassure your friends and family. Many people, even today, think the life of a Doll is one of tragedy and sadness. They’ve been misled by films like The Crying Game & The Danish Girl. Show them Kim Petras, our highest achieving ambassador. You don’t need to go into the Dr. Luke stuff, it’ll just muddy the waters.
If they’re still having trouble getting on board, ask them to “consider the butterfly”. Straight people love the butterfly analogy. Explain to them that up to now, you have been living your life as a mere, hideous caterpillar - wriggling around awkwardly, from one leaf to the next. But, when you emerge from your cocoon, you will be truly beautiful, elegant and free to move in all sorts of directions. It’s not important at this stage to tell them exactly how many thousands of pounds that cocoon is going to cost, we can cross that bridge when we get to it.
Remember, once you’ve said it - you can’t take it back. Like Daniel Day-Lewis, you’ve officially retired from method acting. Unfortunately, you won’t be viewed as a Day-Lewis. You’ll more likely be looked upon as a Jared Leto type, the efficacy of your decisions constantly called into question. But you aren’t a Jared Leto type. Don’t let anyone tell you that. It’s going to be challenging at first, there is no doubt. But eventually you will find yourself. You will get to show them how happy you can truly be.
And that will be the biggest change your family & friends will notice in you - the fact that you smile now. The fact that you are freer with your expressions, and that you allow them in emotionally sometimes. They’ll get to truly know you better, and you, them. The biggest change they will see is the immeasurable boost in your self confidence.
And that you’ll have massive tits, obviously.
I hope you found this guide helpful. Keep being you, Doll. You got this.
The Dolls Almanac is written by UK stand up comedian Jen Ives. You can find more about her here or sign up to her official mailing list here. Please consider supporting the blog by subscribing.