The Dolls Guide To: Changing Rooms
The Dolls Almanac /// Issue 02 /// 21.08.23
Introduction
Hey Doll.
Welcome to ‘The Dolls Almanac’ - a guide to life for new dolls, vintage dolls & long forgotten dolls relegated to a sticky crate under a bootsale table off the side of a motorway. The only dolls not welcome here are those beyond restoration, like Blaire White or Debbie Hayton.
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The Dolls Almanac is written by UK stand up comedian Jen Ives. You can find more about her here or sign up to her official mailing list here.
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The Dolls Guide To: Changing Rooms
Hey Doll.
So, it’s a rare good day & you’re feeling yourself? That’s so nice, go you babe. What better time then to go clothes shopping and get some new cute outfits to make you feel even more cunt, slay and/or boots the house down mamma etc?
No, you can’t order them online. You remember what happened last time? You always think you’re a ‘large’ because you forget sometimes that you’re one of The Dolls™, and then when they’re delivered they don’t fit you the same way they fit your cis girlies and you feel terrible about it for a week and eat 15 Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. Also, you never want to splash out on the express delivery, so getting one new outfit together takes you about 7 times longer than anyone else. Also, fast fashion is destroying not only the lives of low-wage workers, but is destroying our entire planet - and if you don’t stop it we’ll all be dead and underwater in 50 years, you selfish bitch.
It’s about time you took your grown-up-pills and went to the mall. Trust me, it’s better that way - you can actually see and feel the garments before you commit to them. You can rub them against your skin, sensually, like an aristocratic French lady with a silk scarf from a film (I don’t know what film). You can smell them, to make sure no one has tried them on already and soiled them (it happens). You can stand in front of a mirror and hold the dress up to yourself, or even place your head through the gap between the dress and the hanger, to help visualize what the thing is going to look like on you. If you get tired, you can head over to the food court and buy a Cinnabon. You’re at the mall, girl. Go nuts.
But all the mental visualization in the world isn’t going to help you with the fit. I’m sorry to tell you this girl, but you need to try that thing on, otherwise you’re just in the same boat as you were before (the boat being a metaphor for not having typical body dimensions). There isn’t time for you to carry it home, try it on, find out your shoulders are too broad for it because you bought a ‘petite’ (French for stupid) size by accident. The life expectancy of a Doll is simply not high enough to live that way. You need to gather up those garms and get your ass into that darn changing room.
It’s scary, I know. There are horror stories out there, if you look for them. ‘Doll Hounded Out Of Female Changing Rooms For Daring To Support Capitalism’ or ‘Doll Maced And Tackled While Trying To See What Jumper Looks Like In Small, Self Contained, Private Cubicle’. I won’t tell you lies, you know that - these things are always a possibility. But they’re rare. If we lived our lives worrying about what might happen, we never would have taken that initial big step, would we? Get in the line, and wait for your turn. You do get a turn. Everyone deserves a turn.
It might have been a while since you used a changing room, so let me give you some important information. There are certain things they won’t let you bring in there - like small accessories or display mannequins. This is because they think you are going to steal from them, which let’s face it - you probably are. The only thing worse than The Dolls™ life expectancies are our employment histories. Give a girl a break, it’s hard out there! Here’s a tip - sometimes when you go in, there is a person counting how many garments you have in your possession, so they can count them again when you come out. But if you find a way to hide one before you go in, they’ll never account for it (I assume. I’ve never done this myself, and this is purely hypothetical. A thought experiment, not to be replicated).
Once in the changing room, secure the door behind you, fasten the curtain or latch the swinging cowboy saloon doors as appropriate. Some places like to have swinging cowboy saloon doors because they think it’s chic, retro & kitsch (which it absolutely is) but it makes it significantly harder to steal items (which you shouldn’t do.*
If you’re worried that you’re going to be clocked or directed to the wrong changing room, don’t panic. This is a business, and most businesses want your money. In fact, pretty much all businesses will put their personal beliefs aside if they think it’ll net them more annual turnover. Except Chick-fil-A, obviously (and that bakery that wouldn’t make a cake for that gay wedding). We’re on Bud Light now, dammit! You hold your head up high, and you stand in that line so you can try on that terrible, cheaply made Hello Kitty tank top that doesn’t suit you. It is your human right. Besides, most clothes shops have specific inclusivity guidelines now for changing facilities (well at least the cool ones do), so if you find yourself in a shop with rigidly marked, sex-based changing rooms - you’re probably in some old granny shop that sells ugly ass clothes to stinky old grandmas, like Dorothy Perkins. Why are you in there? You’re a young, hot, slutty Doll. Run. Now.
The biggest thing you have to worry about really, is some nosey ass terf faced fart sniffer, snooping around looking to be outraged. More and more these days, it feels like these low-lifes are hiding behind toilet doors and inside waste bins. The best approach, if confronted by one, is to immediately turn it back around on them. Start shouting “Help! Security, help me! There’s a pervert in the changing rooms - and it ain’t me, it’s this freak over here!”. Hopefully, this will result in them being arrested /tazed / sentenced to the death penalty by firing squad for the crime of being a no-good, busy-body pearl clutching, shit-stirring sack of slop.
When trying on your clothes, try to be careful with getting it on. Step into it carefully or place your head through delicately. This might actually fit, and look great on you. If it doesn’t though, yank it off with reckless abandon. If you’re doing this right, you should hear the stitches snap and feel the shape of it give out. If you can’t look good in it, no one can. Fuck you - make more fitting clothes for The Dolls™ - you pigs.
And there you have it - you’ve survived the changing rooms at a popular highstreet clothing store. It wasn’t so bad after all, was it? No, you don’t need a bag - you’ll just put it in yours (think of the environment!) Yes, you do want a receipt - because what you can do is, wear the item a few times in the next 14 days, keep the tags on, and then return it for a full refund. Then just buy something else and repeat the entire process again. You’ll have a constantly changing wardrobe, and you’ll become known as a bonafide style icon.
* Kind of ironic, considering lawlessness is pretty much what being a cowboy is all about.
The Dolls Almanac is written by UK stand up comedian Jen Ives. You can find more about her here or sign up to her official mailing list here.