I’ve been really getting back into ‘greasy spoon’ cafes lately. You don’t see them all that often anymore, with most of the high street being made up of Cafe Neros, Costas or ‘Queer-Safe Coworking Synergy Hubs with Yoga Classes Available to Members and Half Price Babycinos’. As a queer person myself, I’m not exactly sure if ‘Queer Safety’ is worth paying £4.50 for a cup of coffee for.
Whoever said greasy spoon cafes weren’t queer friendly, anyway? I’ve never had a problem in one. Ok, sometimes - if it’s early in the morning, a group of smarmy builders might throw a mushroom at you and call you a slur under their breath, but they used to say it out loud - so in a lot of ways, things are getting better! A £1 cup of tea helps soften that blow, anyway.
Besides, when I was last in one, they were playing Queen on the radio. All greasy spoon cafes are almost always playing Magic FM on the radio, and Magic FM is almost always playing Queen - and Freddie Mercury was gay. Really gay. Like, having sex with men and everything. So if you think about it, greasy spoon cafes are intrinsically queer spaces. There are definitely other points I have to back this theory up, but I’m not going to go into them right now because there isn’t time (and I don’t want to).
I feel like I spent a lot of time in these sorts of cafes as a kid. Whether it was having a bacon sandwich after buying some ugly knock-off trainers down East Lane Market with my dad (which I’d get bullied for having in the school playground), or having an iced bun in Catford Mewes while my mum smoked a couple of cigarettes, indoors. The smell of the harsh chemicals from the American Nails salon. The whirring machine sounds from the key cutters. The dim yellow lighting on white tile and plastic seats bolted into the ground. It was a kind of magic.
One of my favourite greasy spoon cafes right now is ‘Rocksteady Eddys’ in Camberwell. It feels like it was frozen in time 20 years ago, and that includes the prices. You’re not allowed to take photos inside (like in the Freemasons) but I can tell you, it has a stunning 1950’s Hollywood theming, complete with Elvis clock and old-timey adverts. My favourite feature of Eddys is Dominic, who sat down next to me and told me that he’s in there ‘every day’. They know him. Every time I’ve seen him, he’s wearing a different uniform - security guard, soldier, pilot… he collects them. He’s a really nice guy, and if you ever go - buy him a cup of tea.
Me and my boyfriend went to our local one this morning, which isn’t the greasiest of greasy spoons, but is the greasiest in our general area. It could definitely be cheaper, that’s for sure, but they do at least play Magic FM on the radio, and rest assured - Queen were playing. I challenged my boyfriend to suck a baked bean through a straw, which he totally flaked out on, so I did it instead and nearly choked.
We were having so much fun, we were completely oblivious to the Remembrance Day two-minutes silence that had been announced on the radio, and was taking place by everyone else in there.
Consider that another greasy spoon cafe, queered.
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