SELF ID IS BAD

and here's why

So, you want to be a woman do you? You’re bored of Lynx Africa and letting others onto the bus before you, and you want to switch sides? That’s weird but OKAY, that’s fine. That’s totally doable, we have a system in place to help you do that. No, honestly - we do. This is Britain, after all. We care about weirdos like you, and we want to help you. That’s Blitz spirit.

Wait, what did you just say? You want to “self ID” as a woman? That’s mental. No offence or anything, but that is 100% mental, and you are properly mental for that. No, I’m fine - I’m just trying to compose myself because what you just said is so, so mental. You can’t just identify yourself into womanhood, like you might self employment as a comedian. You need to interview for the position. You need to do a work-place trial. An apprenticeship. But worry not, strange, confused weirdo - we (society) have a pathway for you.

WHAT IS A PATHWAY?

Pathways are well laid paving slabs, which help lead us to a destination. Without adequate pathways, we’d get ourselves into all sorts of danger. Pathways help separate pedestrians from the road. Imagine for a second if there were no pathways at all - you wouldn’t know where the street started and the busy road ended. Cars would be careening all over the place - smashing into buildings and running everyone over. Innocent babies and pets would die. Is that what you want, freak?

Sorry. I got a little bit emotional there - it’s just pathways are extremely important to me. I’m just really passionate about them, is all. And soon, you will be too. Oh, you’re going to absolutely love this pathway we have set out for you to take you on your journey to womanhood.

THE TRANSGENDER MEDICAL PATHWAY

1. A medical diagnosis of gender dysphoria from an approved medical practitioner.

Just because we don’t really understand gender dysphoria, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to diagnose it. And anyways, we do know what “gender dysphoria” is, really. Its medical speak for “ya weird”. We have to use it, because it wouldn’t be nice to just call you weird, would it? It wouldn’t be British. But let’s face it, you want to change your gender. And that, my friend - is weird as hell! I mean, look at me - I’m 100% normal and not weird, and I’ve never ONCE wanted to change my gender. I won’t even change my hair. I’ve had this cut for 17 years.

Sorry, what was that? No, I actually didn’t hear you - can you repeat it? You say you don’t want to change your gender? What do you mean? Why are you here, then? Your gender identity is more akin to your natural state, and is tightly linked to your personality, you say? It’s not about shifting from one binary to the other, but instead is a natural freedom of expression not actually dependant on societal structures of sex categorisation, however as society seems to demand homogeneity, for various complex reasons you seek to engage in bodily autonomy to make some minor medical changes so you can go through each day of your relatively short life without too much grief from strangers and feel comfortable in your skin, you say?

Again, that is mental.

No, I don’t want to read your Judith Butler book. What the hell are you on about? I literally didn’t understand a single word you just said. Now, tell me - did you play with Barbies as a child? Because if the answer is “no” the pathway is closed to you.

You did? Oh, that’s great. Let’s carry on.

2. A medical report from an approved medical professional providing details of any treatment they have had.

This one is like the first one, but we just need to write it all down. We love bureaucracy here. I know most people don’t, but we do. It’s sort of a fetish, if we’re honest. That being said, we probably won’t actually do it for a year or so. Also, sometimes we lose the paperwork. It’s not our fault though - like, if you actually think about it it’s kind of your fault for being so weird and needing all this paperwork in the first place. Really, you’re holding yourself back if anything.

3. Evidence they have lived in their new gender for at least two years.

We got this confusing, fruity email from an LGBT rights organisation recently attempting to explain the “difference” between “sex” and “gender” to us, but I couldn’t make heads nor tails of it. No, I said I don’t want to read your Judith Butler book - get it away from me!

If gender is a construct, you’d better construct yourself a dress and some makeup because honey, we want to see you putting some effort in.

It’s our policy here that if you want hormone replacement therapy, which will help you to pass better in society, you’ll need to live without it for two years, not progressing physically at all. Many people think the “real life test” is for you to see what it’s like to live as a woman for two years, but the truth is - it’s actually a test to see if you can live as somebody in a difficult, androgynous hinterland purgatory, with the looming existential dread of knowing that your going to be at the complete mercy of a medical establishment that barely knows you, probably for the rest of your life.

Unless of course one of your weirdo fellow gender-confused pals kills themselves, then you might get to move up the waiting list. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s dog eat dog out here, baby. Some people pass the “real life test” and other people fail.

4. Agreement from their spouse / civil partner to the marriage / civil partnership.

This one isn’t usually an issue, as most of you lot are single. As I understand it, it’s very difficult to find, or indeed keep a partner when you’re going through all this. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be better for your lot to just repress it, although of course I’m not actually allowed to say that to you, so forget I said anything, alright?

Sometimes though, I do meet a patient who somehow managed to ensnare a poor, tortured, suffering partner. Imagine, having to live with someone who’s changing right before your eyes. To shoulder that burden, and be in the company of you while you are clinically depressed due to the entire process being so (necessarily) difficult. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - partners of trans people are Saints. Even if they eventually end up leaving you (which they statistically will) even a single day spent tolerating your utterly weird curse is enough to warrant a medal.

So yes, I’m afraid you do need their permission if you are to take this path. It’s only fair they know what you plan on doing with that body of yours, because guess what - your body also happens to be theirs. Also, it’s ours - I notice here on your records that you’re on the donor register.

No, I really don’t want to read any books by Judith Butler - I don’t care what they have to say about bodily autonomy or if you have two copies, put it back in your bag, would you?

This isn’t some daft, cruel, backwards policy we’ve drafted up just for the likes of you, you know. If a woman came into my office right now asking for birth control drugs, I’d phone her husband straight away to let him know and make sure he was alright with it. Then, I’d invite him, so we could look through intimate records of his wife and laugh at her medical history over a delicious Marlboro cigarette or two.

5. Make a statutory declaration that they intent to live in the acquired gender until death (making a false statement is a criminal offence).

What we do is, we ask you to place your hand on a copy of the DSM3 (my personal favourite of the DMS tomes, because transgenderism is still defined as a mental illness in it) and have you recite The Sacred Transsexual Oath:

I solemnly swear, to wear a dress

Every day of my life from now on

Never will I ever endeavour

To participate in STEM or Sports

And I will learn needlepoint

And feign interest in babies

I understand that if I am seen

To ride a skateboard or

Drink a pint of beer

I can be imprisoned for many a year

Probably in a high facility Men’s Jail

And I will deserve it

It might sound extreme, but it’s an incredible deterrent.

If you follow these 5 very simple steps, you’ll be on your way in no time* to being a legitimate, honest to goodness woman. You’ll enjoy all the benefits of womanhood, and an awful lot of the terrible things that come along with it, too.

However, it is important to remind you that despite what I literally just said - you won’t ever actually be a real woman. If for example at any time the law changes, and society decides you can longer use women’s only spaces, you’ll have to respect that and use the mens or just stay at home, indoors and lump it. Definitely do not complain about it, or critique this fine institution that has fought so tirelessly to let you live your honest, true, conditional self.

This isn’t a threat, but it’d sure be a shame if those hormone pills you rely so heavily on to pass were to suddenly stop being prescribed to you. I’m not saying we would ever do that, but it would be really unfortunate if stocks of those tablets were to suddenly become unavailable nationwide. But we don’t want that to happen, and I’m sure neither do you.

Anyway, we’ll see you again in two years then, yes? Ok, lovely stuff. Cheerio.

Oh, excuse me - you forgot something… wait a minute. Did you leave this book here on purpose? I said put it back in your bag, you grotesque little gender bending weirdo! Get out of my office immediately before I make your “real life test” THREE years!

*waiting lists can be anywhere between 2 and 65 years