Pametha Forgives Again

1. That Woman Who Put That Cat In That Bin

As you may well know, my name is Pametha Gurdis. I reached wild levels of fame in the early 2000’s reporting on public characters with the worst reputations. You might call it “getting cancelled” today. In my ITV show Pametha Forgives (The highest rated program on a Thursday night in ITV’s history up to that point), it was my job to talk to those who had been through troubles, and attempt to shine a positive light on their character. At the end of each episode, I would touch the shamed individual’s leg and whisper to them “Pametha forgives… you”. The studio audience would applaud, and cut aways would reveal the teariest eyed of onlookers and crew. I was a one woman rehabilitation machine. However, for reasons I outright refuse to go into here - I lost my show in 2009 and was replaced by repeats of Catchphrase. 

It is with great excitement then, that I return to my original role as The Nation’s Minister for Forgiveness (albeit in print form). And what better a subject to get going with, than a woman who was utterly demonised by the press when she was caught on cctv placing a cat into a dustbin. 

So, without further adieu - here is my exclusive interview with That Woman Who Put That Cat In That Bin.

—

I am waiting in a Denny’s restaurant just off of a highway in Florida. I have my tape recorder in hand, sticking outwards towards the toothless locals, hoping to capture some slack jawed ambient waffling that I can use to set the scene in this article when I listen back to the tape later.

Suddenly, the door chimes and a woman enters. This is her - that woman who put that cat in that bin. She look nothing like the way she did on the cctv tape - she is much more tanned now, and wears a t-shirt with 3 dolphins on it. She sports a red sunhat with a picture of Micky Mouse on it. We sit down at a booth, and I place the recorder down in front of her. 

Pametha: Thank you for meeting me.

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: S’alright. I ain’t so busy. 

Pametha: So, I have to ask…

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: Why I put that cat in that bin?

Pametha: Well, yes - I was going to get to that. But first I wanted to ask why you moved to Florida?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: Listen, you can’t put a cat in a bin, get caught doing it, and not move overseas. 

Pametha: But why Florida?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: I always wanted to see Area 51

Pametha: But that’s Nevada, isn’t it?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: Well, I know that now.

A waitress comes over to take our order. I have a coffee, but my interviewee orders an entire “Moon Over My Hammy” and a large coke on my dime. 

Pametha: Are you adjusting ok over here?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: Oh, yeah - real nice. People just take you for you over here, ya know?

Pametha: That’s nice to hear. Do you ever miss the UK?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: There ain’t nothing for me back there now

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin has a southern drawl to her voice, and at this point in our interview I suddenly realise that she’s winking at me after ever response. I don’t press it.

Pametha: Ok then, let’s get into it. Tell me, once and for all - why did you put that cat in that bin? What is it we just don’t understand about it all?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: I put that cat in that bin for one very simple reason, Pametha.

Pametha: Go on…

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: It’s safety

Pametha: How do you mean?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: I was trying to protect it

Pametha: From what?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: Nuclear annihilation. See, I had it in my head that day that the UK was set to be atom bombed. The world was bleak back then - you remember?

Pametha: I do.

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: And I was actually on my way out to buy supplies, see. I’d been up all night watching 1950’s educational films about mutually assured destruction and in those films, they said that if a bomb was to hit - you oughta get yer’self under a desk. Only thing was, I didn’t own no desk. So I was on my way out to get m’self oner them Ikea doo-dads. 

She winks again. I don’t press it. 

Pametha: And then you saw the cat?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: Sure enough, I seen that cat. I couldn’t just let it get irradiated in a mushroom cloud could I? And lord knows a cat ain’t got the fortitude to understand how t’ stay under a desk. They’re naturally curious creatures, ent’ they?

Pametha: They are.

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: So I did what any animal lover would do - and I put that cat into that dustbin. Ain’t my fault the entire nation took it the wrong way, like. 

Pametha: So, really… you’re a hero?

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: I reckon. 

The waitress brings over my coffee, and her Moon Over My Hammy, with refillable coke & places them on the table. I reach over the table and grab both of her hands. 

Pametha: I’ve been waiting to say this again ever since my show got taken off of television…

That Woman Who Put That Cat in That Bin: …yeah?

Pametha: Pametha… Forgives… You.

I wink, this time. 

We both leave the diner, and give each other a big hug. I tell her that not only do I, Pametha Gurdis, forgive her - but by proxy, so now does the entire United Kingdom. She doesn’t speak again, but she does tip her hat, wink and then mount her horse (I forgot to mention before that she arrived on the back of a horse). 

And just like that, she was riding off into the sunset down a highway made for cars, in a land made for Floridians, in a world not made for people as kind-hearted as her.