JEN'S EDINBURGH DIARY - #02
JEN'S EDINBURGH DIARY - #02
31/07/22 - The Journey Up
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We set off today for Edinburgh at 11:30am. Myself and Martin, my producer, started the almost 7 hour drive from my flat in London. Well, I didn’t start any driving - I am merely a passenger on this wacky ride we call “life” (but also, literally - as in a “passenger” in a car). I have to hand it to him, the boy drives good. I know that I couldn’t drive for nearly 7 straight hours - mainly on account of the fact that I don’t know how to drive, and don’t have a licence. But I bet that even if I could/did, I still wouldn’t be that good at going those sort of distances.
I’m a great car passenger though, I think. I don’t make a fuss, and I don’t try and get anyone to play games. I hate games - games are for kids, and tricksters (of which I am neither). I will help navigate as best I can, despite my brain being too small to fully understand maps, be they physical or digital. I will hand you drinks and even open the cap so as to not disrupt the driving. The only thing that has ever really held me back in the past, as a passenger, is my body’s propensity for car-sickness. As a child, even a modest two hour drive to my nans would render me vomiting out of an open window as we careened down the motorway - my dad screaming at me because the wind was propelling my sick back and into the side of the car. This really happened. But, I guess we grow up and move on - because I didn’t even feel a hint of motion sickness today. I have officially defeated cars. Fuck you, cars.
The journey was fun, we introduced one another to new music and stopped off for a Burger King plant-whopper. Service station Burger Kings can be pretty hit or miss, to be honest. I put this down to them being franchises that are probably too far out of the way to get a regular, and properly thorough quality control investigation. But this one, to my relief, was perfect. Great consistency on the fries, and the chilli cheese bites were the ideal temperature and coagulation.
There was also an honour system “charity book shop” there, where you could donate some money and take a book of your choice. I invested in the “N-Dubz Unofficial Annual 2012” and the children’s theological picture book “When Jesus Was A Boy” which are both brilliant, and require your attention. Maybe I’ll share some passages with you soon.
Towards the end of the journey, Martin wanted to listen to the ladies football match on the radio. It was England vs. Germany (which is apparently a big deal, because we have some rivalry apparently from something that happened in the forties). Of course, because I am a great car passenger - I made no fuss about listening to this football game. As a guest in someone’s car, you should always do what the driver asks of you (unless that thing is illegal, and then you should always grab the wheel and take charge of the car. Possibly open the drivers door and kick them out at high speed, too).
Despite the fact that I have no interest in football whatsoever, Martin’s excitement was contagious and the fact that he cared so much made me care. I don’t want Martin’s team to lose (Germany - just kidding, that’s a little joke for you ha-ha) that would have been awful for him. I imagine if England lost, it would affect the rest of the journey. He’d probably cry and need consoling for a few hours. Turns out I can tolerate football a lot easier if it’s on the radio. Without the aid of visual stimuli, I can use my imagination and mentally visualise the sport as much more interesting than it is. The commentary was pretty funny - there was a really excited woman relaying the events, and at one point she said “England are really on a brach’s edge here. Is that right? I mean, a knifes edge.” Oh how we laughed - and now, in my life - I will never, ever say “knifes edge” again, only branch edge. Ok, maybe you had to be there. Anyway, long story short - England won. We were very happy, and as we pulled into Edinburgh we blared Sweet Caroline out of the windows and I pretended to understand the significance of Neil Diamond in this situation (I think maybe it has something to do with him owning the team).
The air b&b I’m staying in is beautiful - it has a bath, and an oven and windows and everything. I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with Derek and Katherine, of the amazing double act Horseplay (also doing a show in Edinburgh Fringe Comedy Festival of the Arts and Culture, click HERE for tickets to see them). We drank cheap wine from Tesco and listened to the new Beyonce album, which I can’t wait to give my full attention to tomorrow.
I’m writing this from a very comfortable bed right now, and I’m slightly tipsy so I should probably think about wrapping it up before I fall a…
If you are going to be at the Edinburgh Fringe, and would like to come and see my show - you can get tickets HERE. It runs every night (except the 15th) at the Gilded Balloon, Patter Hoose.
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