The brochure is informative. It gives plenty of information about the dayâs festivities and talks, as well as a detailed guide of all the guest speakers appearing on the panels. I scan the faces, many of which are familiar - from awkward twitter exchanges Iâve had with them online. I peel off the free sticker, and attach it to my chest. Weâre in.Â
The main floor isnât too busy yet, but people are starting to gather in. The stalls are set up, and attendees are milling around, chatting with one another. I canât hear what theyâre talking about - but Iâm guessing itâs something to do with how cool it is to be your biological sex. Again, I recognise a lot of these people. Theyâre sort of like celebrities to me, except theyâre most famous for making me feel sad.Â
We have a bit of time before the first talk, so I decide to go for a mingle (I am a naturally sociable person, after all). There arenât as many stalls as I thought there would be, then again - I donât really know what I thought this would be. Most of the stalls have those long, portable banners up that you sometimes see at bad stand up nights - but rather than saying âChuckle Dungeonâ or âInstant Gigglesâ or âThatâs Comedy!â they say things like âSex Mattersâ or âGet the L Outâ, which to be fair are better names for comedy nights.Â
The first stall I visit is manned by the âWeird Al Yankovich of the Gender Critical Movementâ Mr. Menno (my quote, by the way). Known for his impassioned, yet entirely cringe speeches at Posie Parkerâs Speakerâs Corner events (where women are encouraged to speak out against the trans agenda⌠and Mr. Menno for some reason?) Heâs a man with a penchant for the theatrical. On his Youtube channel he likes to dress up in his own, bizarre interpretation of a trans woman, and perform stilted cover versions of songs with altered lyrics to communicate a gender critical perspective. The ultimate equation for comedy. Some of his big hits include: âIn the Ladiesâ (In the Navy), âSam Smith Non Binary Song (Sandra D Parody)â & who can forget âThe Cis Songâ. Give me âAnother One Rides The Busâ or âMy Bolognaâ any day.Â
Today though, Mr. Menno appears a lot more casual. Heâs wearing a baseball cap, and no sparkles or feather boas at all. He looks relaxed, in his element, among his peers. He smiles as he takes peopleâs money and hands them t-shirts. And what a selection of t-shirts he has. Thereâs âPutting the SEX back into homoSEXualâ. Thereâs âGAYnotqueerâ (all one word). The one that really catches my eye though, is âThe female penis doesnât stand upâ. The graphic design isnât anything to write home about, but the messaging is quite funny. Years of hormone replacement therapy have made this a true statement when applied to myself, however Iâve seen lots of examples on 18+ twitter accounts that refute the claim. I get it, itâs a fun little play on words at the expense of an entire minority of people. A totally normal thing for a person to want to wear out in public. I had to have one.Â
I approach the stall, and engage in light chat with Mr. Menno and his cronies. I ask for one female penis t-shirt, please. I pay, and as Menno hands it to me he tells me to enjoy it, and wear it with pride. Or something like that, his voice is so grating that I struggle to really hear it.Â
As I progress through the stalls, everyone appears to be having a great time. Each one has something different to offer, however one thing they all seem to have in common is, they all focus a lot more on the exclusion of trans people than on the âbringing togetherâ of lesbian, gay and bisexual people, specifically. For an organisation that prides itself on not being for, or about trans people - they do talk about us an awful lot. You could even call them obsessed.Â
The âSex Mattersâ stall is my favourite (and not just because it has free sweets). Itâs my favourite because it has a life-size cardboard cutout of JK Rowling standing by it. I ask them of this is a clue that JK Rowling is going to be the special guest of honour, but again I am told that they âcanât sayâ. She then relents a bit and says âI donât even know myselfâ. Maybe this cardboard cut out is the special guest? The LGB Allianceâs undying devotion to Joanne seems so cult like at this point, that I imagine a propped up cutout of her would at least get a standing ovation.Â
I ask if I can get a picture next to the JK Rowling cardboard cutout, and they are keen to oblige me. âSheâs so great, isnât she?â the woman manning the stall says. I respond âOh yeah. Is this life-size though, because sheâs much shorter than I imagined?â.Â
As I shove a quality street green triangle into my mouth and make my way to the next stall, I bump into two young women. One pats me on the side of my arm and says âJen Ives? What are you doing here?â. Iâve been rumbled.Â
The two women stand out among the crowd, because they are significantly younger than the majority of people here. My mind is racing - who are they? Are they event organisers who have been watching me since I arrived? They know me by name. If they know who I am, thereâs no point in denying it now.Â
âHiâ I say. âDo I know you?â.Â
âWe were at that Queer Comedy night you headlined recentlyâ.Â
Interesting. I take a moment to look at them more closely, and yes - I do remember them. There is a Queer Comedy night in London that I have headlined and also MC occasionally, and I recognise these two women from the audience. I canât remember if they enjoyed my set, but given the context we are in right now Iâm going to assume - no. I wonder why they would attend a âQueerâ comedy night when gender critical people almost universally hate the word. I suppose there arenât quite as many âGender Critical Sex-Based Biologically Essentialistâ comedy nights at the moment (apart from Comedy Unleashed). Youâve got to take what you can get.Â
It spins me out slightly to think that two young women who had been in my audience presumably had weird, negative views about me the entire time - and didnât mention it to me on the night. Iâm quite open in my sets about my views and intentions. But here we were.Â
I didnât really know what to say to them. It felt a bit like two soldiers, on separate sides, bumping into each other down Tesco. I didnât want to be recognised here, and they didnât want to be recognised in the real world. In the end, I settled for âSo⌠are you enjoying conference?â To which they replied âYeah, we are. How about you?â To which I replied something like âYeah, about as much as you can enjoy something like thisâ.Â
âWell, Iâd better get on. Nice to see you!â. We parted ways. I wondered if theyâd come back to any of the queer comedy nights Iâd be hosting.Â
Suddenly, people start making their way to the large theatre room where the first talk is set to begin. I grab Riggs and we follow suit. We donât want to miss this vital talk - titled: Erasing the Gay: is Gender Identity Child Abuse or Child Conversion?
Riggs and I wonder what conclusion the talk will come to. Will gender identity be child abuse or child conversion? It has to be one of those things. Maybe the twist is, itâs both? Also, what is âchild conversionâ? I know what âgay conversionâ is - when a gay person is forced to engage in performative âstraightnessâ. Is âchild conversionâ then, when a child is forced to pretend to be an adult? A forced mortgage and a suitcase?
We were about to find out.
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