Jen Joins the LGB Alliance

Part 4 : Rumbled in the Stalls

The brochure is informative. It gives plenty of information about the day’s festivities and talks, as well as a detailed guide of all the guest speakers appearing on the panels. I scan the faces, many of which are familiar - from awkward twitter exchanges I’ve had with them online. I peel off the free sticker, and attach it to my chest. We’re in. 

The main floor isn’t too busy yet, but people are starting to gather in. The stalls are set up, and attendees are milling around, chatting with one another. I can’t hear what they’re talking about - but I’m guessing it’s something to do with how cool it is to be your biological sex. Again, I recognise a lot of these people. They’re sort of like celebrities to me, except they’re most famous for making me feel sad. 

We have a bit of time before the first talk, so I decide to go for a mingle (I am a naturally sociable person, after all). There aren’t as many stalls as I thought there would be, then again - I don’t really know what I thought this would be. Most of the stalls have those long, portable banners up that you sometimes see at bad stand up nights - but rather than saying “Chuckle Dungeon” or “Instant Giggles” or “That’s Comedy!” they say things like “Sex Matters” or “Get the L Out”, which to be fair are better names for comedy nights. 

The first stall I visit is manned by the “Weird Al Yankovich of the Gender Critical Movement” Mr. Menno (my quote, by the way). Known for his impassioned, yet entirely cringe speeches at Posie Parker’s Speaker’s Corner events (where women are encouraged to speak out against the trans agenda… and Mr. Menno for some reason?) He’s a man with a penchant for the theatrical. On his Youtube channel he likes to dress up in his own, bizarre interpretation of a trans woman, and perform stilted cover versions of songs with altered lyrics to communicate a gender critical perspective. The ultimate equation for comedy. Some of his big hits include: “In the Ladies” (In the Navy), “Sam Smith Non Binary Song (Sandra D Parody)” & who can forget “The Cis Song”. Give me “Another One Rides The Bus” or “My Bologna” any day. 

Today though, Mr. Menno appears a lot more casual. He’s wearing a baseball cap, and no sparkles or feather boas at all. He looks relaxed, in his element, among his peers. He smiles as he takes people’s money and hands them t-shirts. And what a selection of t-shirts he has. There’s “Putting the SEX back into homoSEXual”. There’s “GAYnotqueer” (all one word). The one that really catches my eye though, is “The female penis doesn’t stand up”. The graphic design isn’t anything to write home about, but the messaging is quite funny. Years of hormone replacement therapy have made this a true statement when applied to myself, however I’ve seen lots of examples on 18+ twitter accounts that refute the claim. I get it, it’s a fun little play on words at the expense of an entire minority of people. A totally normal thing for a person to want to wear out in public. I had to have one. 

I approach the stall, and engage in light chat with Mr. Menno and his cronies. I ask for one female penis t-shirt, please. I pay, and as Menno hands it to me he tells me to enjoy it, and wear it with pride. Or something like that, his voice is so grating that I struggle to really hear it. 

As I progress through the stalls, everyone appears to be having a great time. Each one has something different to offer, however one thing they all seem to have in common is, they all focus a lot more on the exclusion of trans people than on the “bringing together” of lesbian, gay and bisexual people, specifically. For an organisation that prides itself on not being for, or about trans people - they do talk about us an awful lot. You could even call them obsessed. 

The “Sex Matters” stall is my favourite (and not just because it has free sweets). It’s my favourite because it has a life-size cardboard cutout of JK Rowling standing by it. I ask them of this is a clue that JK Rowling is going to be the special guest of honour, but again I am told that they “can’t say”. She then relents a bit and says “I don’t even know myself”. Maybe this cardboard cut out is the special guest? The LGB Alliance’s undying devotion to Joanne seems so cult like at this point, that I imagine a propped up cutout of her would at least get a standing ovation. 

I ask if I can get a picture next to the JK Rowling cardboard cutout, and they are keen to oblige me. “She’s so great, isn’t she?” the woman manning the stall says. I respond “Oh yeah. Is this life-size though, because she’s much shorter than I imagined?”. 

As I shove a quality street green triangle into my mouth and make my way to the next stall, I bump into two young women. One pats me on the side of my arm and says “Jen Ives? What are you doing here?”. I’ve been rumbled. 

The two women stand out among the crowd, because they are significantly younger than the majority of people here. My mind is racing - who are they? Are they event organisers who have been watching me since I arrived? They know me by name. If they know who I am, there’s no point in denying it now. 

“Hi” I say. “Do I know you?”. 

“We were at that Queer Comedy night you headlined recently”. 

Interesting. I take a moment to look at them more closely, and yes - I do remember them. There is a Queer Comedy night in London that I have headlined and also MC occasionally, and I recognise these two women from the audience. I can’t remember if they enjoyed my set, but given the context we are in right now I’m going to assume - no. I wonder why they would attend a “Queer” comedy night when gender critical people almost universally hate the word. I suppose there aren’t quite as many “Gender Critical Sex-Based Biologically Essentialist” comedy nights at the moment (apart from Comedy Unleashed). You’ve got to take what you can get. 

It spins me out slightly to think that two young women who had been in my audience presumably had weird, negative views about me the entire time - and didn’t mention it to me on the night. I’m quite open in my sets about my views and intentions. But here we were. 

I didn’t really know what to say to them. It felt a bit like two soldiers, on separate sides, bumping into each other down Tesco. I didn’t want to be recognised here, and they didn’t want to be recognised in the real world. In the end, I settled for “So… are you enjoying conference?” To which they replied “Yeah, we are. How about you?” To which I replied something like “Yeah, about as much as you can enjoy something like this”. 

“Well, I’d better get on. Nice to see you!”. We parted ways. I wondered if they’d come back to any of the queer comedy nights I’d be hosting. 

Suddenly, people start making their way to the large theatre room where the first talk is set to begin. I grab Riggs and we follow suit. We don’t want to miss this vital talk - titled: Erasing the Gay: is Gender Identity Child Abuse or Child Conversion?

Riggs and I wonder what conclusion the talk will come to. Will gender identity be child abuse or child conversion? It has to be one of those things. Maybe the twist is, it’s both? Also, what is “child conversion”? I know what “gay conversion” is - when a gay person is forced to engage in performative “straightness”. Is “child conversion” then, when a child is forced to pretend to be an adult? A forced mortgage and a suitcase?

We were about to find out.

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