ID Me Like One Of Your French Girls

Some Thoughts On Self ID And Tories And Stuff

Oscar Wilde once said “There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about”. Yeah, well Oscar Wilde wasn’t a trans woman in 2022, so he doesn’t know what he’s talking about - sometimes it really sucks being talked about.

As I write this, various ghoulish Tories gather around their podiums to argue about who’s the least braindead, and most deserving of replacing  Boris Johnson as Prime Minister and Transphobe In Chief.  And as they have these talks, there is one “hot button” topic that each are required to weigh in on. Me.

Well, not “me” exactly. Trans people more generally. They’re calling it “The Trans Issue” - and it’s one of their favourite things to discuss. In fact, just about anyone who’s anybody is talking about the transgenders right now. Its extremely vogue - we’re the centre of attention. We’re a party conversation starter. A debate. A thought experiment. A student dissertation. A topic for a book - maybe we should feel flattered?

But being called an “issue” is confusing. It doesn’t feel like a good thing. If someone said to you: “You know what, you’ve got some real issues” you’d have every right to be upset. Issues are problems to be solved. They’re defects to be corrected. Bugs to be fixed. Are you saying I’m a bug? I’m not a bug.

Candidates are being asked to define what a “woman” is, and those who deviate from the dictionary definition are doomed, gutless sell outs. “You don’t know what a woman is?!” Their fellow conservatives scream. “It’s an Adult, Human, Female. Why are you so afraid to state facts? It’s in the dictionary for Gods sake - and the dictionary was written by a man - God. So it must be true!”.

One candidate says that “some men” go on to “change their gender legally” and are therefor “legally recognised as women” however, are not the same as her (a biological, all natural, sensual woman) She says she’s never supported “Self ID”.

In a Utopian Tory Theocracy, only those who undergo 10 plus years of psychological testing, from a probably male psychiatrist, for “mentalist gender-bendery” will be granted a gender recognition certificate. Then, if they manage to get 5 gold stars added to their certificate for good behaviour, they’ll be granted the chance to have their genitalia corrected by a probably male surgeon and be legally recognised as “female, but not as female as females who were born female”.  Issue solved? Absolutely! Self ID is terrible. Hyper-gate-kept medicalisation is the natural way.

Of course, we can’t allow trans people to make decisions about their own healthcare and lives, even if they’re autonomous, conscious, independent adults with mental capacity. What if someone abuses it. What if a man self-IDs as a woman and then walks into a ladies room? Or what if someone self-IDs as a bus driver, and just starts driving a bus even though they can’t even drive a bus? Who gave them a key for the bus? Where’s the bus driver gone? Someone tell him his bus has been stolen! God, I hope this bus doesn’t drop below 50 miles an hour or we’re all going to explode!

It’s fun to imagine unlikely scenarios.