I Steal Sugar Packets
a confession
I steal a lot of sugar packets. Anytime I go into any cafe or coffee shop, pub, restaurant or diner, if there are sugar packets on the table (or on a separate stand over by the toilets on the complete other side of the building) I will make the effort to go to them, and hide as many as I can in the palm of my hand, concealing them about myself like an early 2000’s street magician. Then, when I get back to my table, I’ll put them securely into my bag’s inner pocket. Of course, I’ll take a break from lifting sugar packets to enjoy the meal / birthday / wedding reception / wake, but then, when the time is right, I’ll repeat the entire process again. And again. And maybe even again.
It might not ‘technically’ be stealing - considering that these sugar packets are free for everybody, but it’d be naive to say there wasn’t a socially acceptable limit to how many you’re supposed to take. There is a definite unspoken ‘line’ that most people don’t cross - a line which I stopped being able to see years ago.
A 1kg bag of brown sugar from Sainsbury’s costs about £3.30. I know this, because for a while I was buying it. I look back on those days, where I was completely wasting £3.30 a month. £3.30 that I could have used for something far more valuable, like half a disposable vape, or nearly a meal-deal. I was, I’ll admit it, a fool. Now though, I simply have a jar on top of my fridge, filled to the brim with free sugar packets, and I try to keep it full at all times - a constant rotation of brown sugar packets, all from different places - Costa, Cafe Nero, Wetherspoons, The Marriott Hotel - all of which I’ve not spent any actual money at. Because often I’ll take the time to go into one of these places with the sole intent of pocketing sugar packets. No one cares - not the staff, anyway. I’m brazen with it sometimes. Pret is the easiest - specifically the one at the end of The Strand by London Camera World - hell, you could take a chair from that Pret, no one would stop you.
I can’t offer much of an explanation as to why I keep doing this. You could argue that, as the culprit, it's not really my place to say. What I can tell you is, I don’t do it with other free condiments. I don’t have a cupboard full of ketchup, or a hidden panel behind my bed filled with tea bags, but if you did, I’d think it was fine. In fact, I’d think it was cool, and I’d absolutely support you.
My dad used to do it sometimes. He’d usually lift brown sauce or vinegar packets - and I can remember seeing that it brought him pleasure. It was like he was taking something back - something owed to him. Likewise, my mum would often pick up shiny things from the street - just in case it was money or a lost wedding ring or a button. It was hardly ever money or a wedding ring, but we did get lots of spare buttons that way.
Maybe I’m just trying to exert some modicum of control. Maybe, for me, stealing sugar packets is just my way of kicking back against a Britain that sometimes feels cruel and unfeeling.
Or, it could just be that sugar is too expensive now. Either way, I’m not going to stop. It’s become a compulsion now - one that I find fun. I’m not just a thief, I’m a collector and evangelist. Stealing sugar packets is the way and it is the light, and you should do it too.
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