5 Ways To Prank The Aliens When They Get Here

by Jen Ives / 19.09.23

If you’ve been watching the news at all lately, you’ll have seen that alien disclosure is imminent! They’re coming (or, they’re already here. Or, we are hybrids of them. Or, they’re long dead mummified little corpses found in a Mexican tomb). Look, either way something weird is going on, and we (the human race) need to be ready for it. Inevitably, they’re going to be smarter, more advanced beings, with a desire to enslave (and probably probe) us. So, the best way we can assert ourselves early when they get here is to prank their ugly, gray asses. If we make them look stupid, right from the off, we might stand a chance of earning their respect. With that in mind, here are five ways we could prank these skinny, big eyed, arrogant balloon headed ETs.

Number 5: Laxatives

You might think that putting laxatives into the food and drink of a new, alien species is crude or simplistic, but I think its beauty lies in its simplicity. If the aliens are humanoid, then the chances are they’ve got to have a bumhole, right? What we do is, we act all humble and hospitable - show them our favourite earth dishes and let them sample them. Unbeknown to them though, they’ve just consumed enough laxatives to bring down a Rhino. Worst case scenario, they soil themselves all over the government facility and decide to leave earth in embarrassment. Best case? They die. It’s win win.

Number 4: Reintroduce Pre-Decimal Economy

Have you ever heard someone over 60 describe what it was like when Britain had a pre-decimal economy? Literally nothing about it makes sense, whatsoever. There are about 200 different coins. £1 was 240 pence for Christ’s sake! Any alien, completely unaccustomed to a human economy, would surely find this unbearable. And I think that would be really funny to watch. Imagine their big, long gross fingers trying to sort through all those coins - probably dropping them all over the floor like an idiot. Take that aliens, you big dummies.

Number 3: Pretend We’re Asleep

Ok, this one is easy but it requires some patience. When they land, they’re going to come out of their ships and they’re going to be expecting a big reaction. They probably think that our minds are too puny to properly comprehend something that looks like them, so they’re going to be expecting us to be freaking out. Screaming, crying, shitting, pissing, cumming. You get the picture. What we need to do then, is just pretend to be asleep. When I see those lights descending from the sky, I’m going to be jumping straight back into my bed, curling right up, snug as a bug & I’m going to start making a cartoon-style snore noise. Even if they try to shake me awake, I won’t budge. Yes, it’ll be difficult to not laugh - but I’ve been practicing, so I feel pretty good about it! 

Number 2: Tell them our “leader” is Gary Busey

Busey would definitely be up for this, as he hasn’t been up to to much since Gary Busey: Pet Judge & those sexual assault accusations (it’s not clear which of the two was more damaging to his career). First, we dress him up in a nice suit. Next, we mock up a presidential Oval Office to sit him in, complete with Big Brother style hidden cameras. Then, it's just a matter of leading the ETs into the room to meet our “beloved leader”. If there’s one thing Busey is (apart from alleged sex criminal) is a talented improviser. Being able to predict what he might say at any given time is about as probable as predicting what the aliens might be like - both are equally incomprehensible. Actually, it just occurred to me that this one might backfire if Busey is in fact secretly one of them. Given that eventuality, we should just defect back to laxatives. 

Number 1: Say You’re Pregnant & It’s Theirs

I saw this prank on a married Youtube vlogger’s channel. She faked a pregnancy test so it said ‘positive’ and then she left it in her husband’s office with a card that said “Not Again!”. He freaks out because as a couple they weren’t in a good financial position to properly look after another child. It’s very funny. Anyway, I think we should do that to the aliens. 

Thank you for reading this article by me, Jen Ives. Please consider subscribing for free, or joining as a paid subscriber for access to my daily secret diary. You can find more of me at jenives.net and on Instagram @imjenives