12 Better Rules (excerpt)
A little bit from chapter 2.
Good evening. As you may or may not maybe might know, I have written a book. It’s called “12 Better Rules For Life For Men, Specifically”. The book is a parody of recent self help books aimed at men. I am currently doing a Kickstarter to raise enough money to get some published, so if you’d like a copy of the book - then please donate to the Kickstarter and you’ll get one. The goal is £800, and we are currently at £480, so well over half way there!
You can donate here: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/jenives/12-better-rules-for-life-for-men-specifically?ref=user_menu
Below is a short extract from chapter 2. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks :)
Rule 2.
He Who Holds Doors Open, Holds Himself Back
Men are taught from a very young age (boyhood) that holding a door open for a woman is a chivalrous act worthy of praise. No one really knows where this archaic, bizarre tradition comes from - but there are rumours that it originates from a time when women were not fed as much as men, so suffered from weaker bones and lethargy, rendering them incapable of opening the heavy, wooden oak doors of the day.
It’s probably worth considering that for the longest time we lived entirely without doors. A humble cave may well have had some crude log, or grass weave propped up against its entrance, but there was certainly no need for chivalry. In many ways, it was a better time for women. And men. Men were men, and women were women, which was an amazing achievement considering the terms “men” and “women” didn’t exist. In fact, language as we know it had yet to evolve (if you believe in that sort of thing). But despite this, they knew their roles anyway, these humble, simple, large headed proto-humans. The only thing a Neanderthal man might have held open for a woman was the stinking, raw, exposed, rotting ribcage of a discarded stegosaurus carcass, so she could lunge in and feast upon the spoils. Oh, to spend a day living how our ancestors did - in primal, pungent bliss.
Men who insist on holding open doors for women today do not realise how little respect they lose with every attempt at “chivalry”. Holding a door open is a passive act, and one which holds the female in a higher status than the male. When I was in college, I had a huge crush on a boy named Bobby Rigatoni. He wore a leather jacket and killed small, wild animals when he thought no-one was looking. But I was always looking. Mainly at his crotch area, I’ll admit it. One day, between second and third period he slammed a door (I think accidentally) into my face, causing me to black out for (I’m told) thirteen hours. It was on that fateful day (the next day, technically) that my crush for Bobby turned into devoted love. Dear reader, Bobby and I have been married for fifteen years. What can I say, I like a bad boy.
An important reason why you shouldn’t hold doors open for women, is because you will inevitably end up holding doors open for all sorts of other genders. Men. Non binaries. Uglier women. This is not a good look for any man trying to pass himself off as a chivalrous knight of the realm. It’s worth remembering, also, that due to legitimate safety concerns (bad men / muggers / rabid animals) women rarely travel anywhere alone. So any attempt to direct kindness at an individual woman by holding the door open for her is only going to be lost as hordes of other undeserving dolts pass through - leaving you stuck behind the door, pressed up against the wood with your back against the wall like some sort of woodlouse.
Consider this parable that I came up with. It is inspired by the teaching tales of Aesop, except it is much better:
Jen’s Fables
The Man Who Held Open A Door For Too Long
Once, there was a man. The man was looking for women to date on the dating app “Hinge” *. Sure enough, he found a date with a beautiful young woman named Doreen**.
The date went well. They chatted for hours about really interesting stuff, like NFTs and the menu. It was a very big menu. The man was sure that Doreen would be his soulmate forever. As they left the restaurant, the man held the door open for Doreen. However, as the restaurant was closing, lots of customers also made their way out and the man was stuck holding the door open. It was a very big restaurant, and people flooded out for nearly an hour, leaving the man stuck in position.
Soon, Doreen grew tired and decided to leave the man. The man never say her again. As the staff began to leave the restaurant, the manager stopped and complimented the man on his door holding open technique. He said it was the best he’d ever seen, and offered the man a job as a doorman full-time. The man, being weak willed, low on cash and generally beta, took the offer immediately.
The man continued to hold doors open for the rest of his life. He held open doors for other restaurants, hotels, cinemas, theatres, aquariums and even door shops.
At 65 the man had a heart attack and died holding open a door at a men’s sauna. He had no will, so his employers arranged for him to be buried in a coffin made of doors, and buried by the door of a mausoleum. His gravestone was shaped like a little door, and the message on it read: Here lies a man. A man who loved holding open doors. RID (Rest in Doors).
THE END.***
*You’ll notice that I used “Hinge” for this parable. This is because doors have hinges. The parable is deep on many, many levels.
**DOOR-een?
***Of the parable, not the book.